I haven’t written on my site for a long time. This site used to be for my business. My business failed. My business failed because I became consumed by something else, I became a slave an eating disorder and the resulting anxiety. These things changed me as a person, I became selfish, I became insular, I became anti-social, and I became rule driven and inflexible. I was not a very nice person to be around. I lost friends, I isolated family, and I turned in to someone I wasn’t and someone I didn’t like.
For the most part, the deep, dark, debilitating days are gone. What I haven’t recovered is all of the things I lost during those dark years. Which brings me to this….
One of the things I have gained in recovery is time. And what do you do with the additional time you have when you are not exercising, not obsessing over food, not thinking about food, not cooking food you have no intention of eating, not planning exercise, not researching food and exercise. What do you do with time that is truly and genuinely yours, when you are you? According my therapist – you write a blog.
So this is a blog about my ongoing recovery – recovering my friendships, my relationship, my period, my boobs, and my return to self.
Today I start this sitting at the hairdresser drinking a glass of wine while I wait for my hair to process. I think back to this time 3 years ago when not only would I not have allowed myself wine, I also had no hair to process. It had all but fallen out due to undernourishment – yup, turns out that you need to feed all parts of your body, not just your belly. And let me tell you, no hair is not sexy.
If you are in those deep dark days where food and exercise is the nemesis; there is no magic pill, there is no easy answer, and there is no formula. It is the hardest thing you will ever do. You can scream, you can cry, you can procrastinate but to emerge from that deep, dark place where all is ruled – just do it. Ironic Nike reference fully intended.
I thought I was in control maintaining my eating disorder and the thought of losing that control filled me with fear. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I wasn’t in control at all. The eating disorder had complete control. I feel more in control now than ever.
Regaining this control doesn’t come easy. It is slow, it is measured (sometimes with kitchen scales when ED gets his way) and it is deliberate. But when it finally starts being the norm, when it finally becomes less and less calculated, it is the best feeling ever and this for me continues with every challenge, every day. Embrace it.
You don’t have to start big you just have to start. That is what my therapist told me.
Tip number 1: Get a therapist.