Everyone keeps telling me that I need to decide what it is that I want.
But what if I don’t know what it is that I want? In reality, I don’t know what I want – I truly don’t know. Sometimes things feel so overwhelming and I want someone to decide for me what it is that I want. In fact, even when things aren’t so overwhelming I want someone to decide for me. Because what If I decide and it is wrong?? It seems like most of the decisions I have made in my life so far have been wrong and I am too exhausted to make more wrong decisions.
I thought that when I moved to Australia, that was the best decision and all of my problems would disappear. They didn’t.
I thought that I would move in with my partner and we would build a perfect life together and all of my problems would disappear. They didn’t.
I thought that I would quit my long-term job and build my own, incredible business and all of my problems would disappear. They didn’t.
I thought I would quit my failing business and go back in to the corporate workforce and all of my problems would disappear. They didn’t.
In fact all of these things led to me replacing problems with more problems. And now I find myself unhappy (a constant state for me or so it feels) and I feel like to need to make some decisions to change it. The thing is, I don’t want to make the decisions, I am scared of making the decisions, I fear my decisions will be wrong again and so I ignore. I ignore by bringing back in the rules, the food rules, the exercise rules, the restriction, and the safe place. And this fills my head; this takes away the need to make decisions, the need to adult, the need to take on the responsibility.
I don’t want to be responsible. I have enough responsibility at work (which I hate and which exacerbates my anxiety) that when the responsibility of life comes in, I am too exhausted. I want the opposite of responsibility and then I feel guilty about that, about the decisions I am not making, the adulating I am not doing to move our lives forward. And it is then I revert to the safe behaviours that fill my head and I forget about the responsibility and decision-making, the adulating, the growing up. Instead I feel guilt about drinking milk or not doing 3 exercise classes in one day and this numbs everything for a while. A bit like I imagine a drug addict or an alcoholic would numb everything with drugs and alcohol.
What do I want??…….What I want is space, freedom from responsibility, freedom from ED thoughts, freedom from guilt, freedom to allow me to have enough brain space to make the important decisions. The decisions that are going to make our lives a life rather than this tedious game we are struggling to play every day.