I have often thought (a hard thing to admit) – “I just wish the world would end for a little while”. I have wished this, willed it to happen because I have wanted a break. I have needed a break from my brain, from my thoughts, from the rules, from the perfectionism, from my life.
And it has happened. In such sad, hideous circumstances, it has happened. I can’t go to the gym, I can’t go to yoga, I can’t guarantee that my safe foods are going to be available, I can’t get my hands on my beloved kitchen wipes, I can’t go to the newest bars and restaurants that make me feel like I am achieving because I am there opening night, I can’t catch up with girlfriends and post it on insta to prove I am hitting social goals. I can’t maintain the me that I have created. The me I have been trying to fix.
And this terrible situation might just force me to actually be me, it might give me space to do the real fixing. The situation that has created it is horrendous and I would never ever be excited by that but I am excited to use this as an opportunity to heal, I am excited by the prospect of the respite, I am excited by the forced behaviour change.
At first I was not, my unhealthy self fort back and fort hard. The feeling I had when it was announced that gyms would close was a feeling of dread, a numbness that comes from being told something so terrible that your brain can not process. My healthy self on the other hand was so incredibly relieved, relieved to have it taken out of my hands and that felt like a jail sentence had been lifted. When I found out that I might just have to suck it up and eat whatever was put in front of me because my organic, grass fed, hand reared, nurtured produce might not be available put me in to a spin. But part of me felt thanks, thanks for the decision and the planning and the process to be gone. When I found out that there was little on the selves for me to maintain the rules, when when I found out I could not go to ‘that place’ and when I found out I might actually need to stop, to experience time, to have that break, I almost hand a panic attack. But equally I was filled with gratitude. I am grateful for this time, for this space, for this forced experience and break I have been wishing for. I am grateful for this opportunity to finally find me.