We made a decision this weekend. This decision for most people is exciting, and I am excited. I am also scared shitless. For me this decision means I will have to end something I have been holding on to for a very long time. We simply won’t be able to move forward with this decision if I don’t make huge changes in my life. Making these changes means I need to get rid of something that has ruled me for a long time, of something that makes me feel safe, of something that has become my comfortable. I can’t fit an eating disorder and a child in to my life. I need to choose and this weekend we made the decision to choose children.
It sounds easy – eat more, exercise less, get pregnant.
If you have read my previous blogs you will know that I have suffered an eating disorder on and off for most of my life. 4 years ago this ED reached its worst, completely changed my life, my relationship, and my entire world. I have worked really hard to rebuild my life and I can proudly say that things are much better. They aren’t however perfect and unfortunately I don’t have time to wait until they are before we try to make babies. With me being 37 and my partner 45 it is going to be hard enough as it is.
So here we begin a scary journey to make a baby while a demon called ED tries to sabotage it. There isn’t room for all of us in this family and the one that is no longer welcome is ED.
I have enough friends and family to know that I can’t continue my current lifestyle with children. Deep down I also know that I will never get pregnant if I continue my current diet and exercise habits. I want to eat ice cream on a hot day with my children, I want to eat fish and chips at the beach with my children, I don’t want to neglect my children in favour of exercise classes, I want to have enough energy to play with my children, I want to experience and give in to cravings during pregnancy and mostly I don’t want to give my children my eating disorder.
And that means I need to get rid of the eating disorder once and for all whilst also trying to get pregnant. It has been said that I love a challenge.
I haven’t had a period in 4 years due to overexercising and under eating. These days, I exercise a lot less and more mindfully than I once did, listening to my body more. Some would stay I still exercise too much to get pregnant – there are mixed messages on this. Some have told me I need to give up exercise all together. Others have said that still exercising is absolutely fine and that what I am doing isn’t excessive. The ED listens to those who say that exercising (just to classify exercising for the ED isn’t a gentle walk – its becoming a sweaty mess) every day is fine and I think I know deep down that this isn’t true. The thought of not exercising every day fills me with fear and I fear that this is something I will need to do.
Under eating is most definitely a thing of the past. Restrictive eating on the other hand is still a very prominent feature of my life. The list of foods I will not eat is far longer than the list of foods I will eat and those foods I will not eat includes fish and chips and ice cream.
Until my eating disorder surfaced at the age of 17, I would eat anything and everything and I loved food! I want my children to enjoy that same freedom.
How hard can it be? The answer for me is extremely. And to hold myself accountable, I am going to write about every step of this journey, here.